If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
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Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.