My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
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Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself