Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
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Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
58.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.