Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
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My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.