7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
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your elf on the shelf was delicious
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Born to be mild.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.