Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
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HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
What
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
notice
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
This is Sparta
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
just witnessed a drug deal