Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
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It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.