Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
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I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her