That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
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she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
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My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*