Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
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If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!