astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
You Might Also Like
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
me adding lol on a serious message
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.