Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
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[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
My kitchen overserved me.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I finally found a reason to live again.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH