[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
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the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
*watches the world burn*
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left