[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
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From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
classic mixup
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream