INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
You Might Also Like
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes