Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
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i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…