who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
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I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range