It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
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Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I have so many questions.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Who called it baking and not making love
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Yep.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’