Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
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You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
sigh
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*