Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
You Might Also Like
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I like long walks away from everyone
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Those are good neighbors.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.