How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
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[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Not even remotely sorry.