A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
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Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK