Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
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I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam