10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
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This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?