In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
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When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.