Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
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My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out