I want to know about the Oreo incident…
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“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
This is a true ally.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Never forget.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified