them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
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Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
fourth time’s the charm
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time