Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
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I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈