You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
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NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*