[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
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If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.