[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
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People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Yup….perfect score!
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider