Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
You Might Also Like
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?