It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
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“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating