what?
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Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.