If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
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Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane