The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
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I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes