Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
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I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened