Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
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*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does