Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
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Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.