Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
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Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.