I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
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63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.