“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
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dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
TWEET CALL
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*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead