Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
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Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing