Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
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I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Finally, an explanation.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.