[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
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[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.