[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
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Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Good news
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Word!
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.