Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
You Might Also Like
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.