One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
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My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.