A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
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Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human